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Not Even Crying

from Nonfiction by LIT. MAJOR

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My grandfather passed away last month
I went to the church service
But went home for lunch
Didn’t go to the graveyard
Didn’t drive out to see
The burial rites
Performed by the priest

I went to the mass for my dad & my grandma
They wanted me there
And I was ok with that
Don’t know how many years
Maybe a few
Since I entered a church
Or sat down in a pew

My father was crying in his silent way
Mh grandmother wailed her sorrows away
Her tissues were many
Hands on her shoulders and legs
From cousins, aunts, and uncles
Whose own cheeks were red
He was her husband
for so many years
I hope she didn’t notice
I had no tears

I didn’t really know him while he was alive
Even though he was there for all of my life
He was sort of an addendum
To whatever we did
He’d come along to where she went
With her children and grandkids

He never made much effort to get to know me
Or my siblings, no discussion, no curiosity
He just kind of took
Whatever came his way
I don’t think he would have been
Too happy that I’m gay

But I know that it’s sad when a family says goodbye
To the patriarch they held in their hearts for some time
He lived 92 years
And I hope that bodes well
For my own longevity
My own bodily health
I don’t want to leave
This body or this life
I’m so scared of death
And it brings with it great strife
But I’m even more scared
Of leaving like he did
With some family in the audience
Not even crying

I don’t know what to say for myself
It’s just the way it turned out
I might as well have been a stranger to him
It is what it is, it is what it is

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from Nonfiction, released December 3, 2021

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LIT. MAJOR Connecticut

remy josef.
sad song singer.

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