Trying

by Atheists

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04:51 video
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about

Nine songs caught between reality and fiction, diary and story, now and not now, life and not life. I tried to make something that challenged me a little, pushed me in a new direction in some ways, while still holding true to myself as a writer and artist. I hope you enjoy it.

credits

released April 19, 2019

All songs composed, performed, and produced by me, Dec '18 - February '19.

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all rights reserved

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LIT. MAJOR Connecticut

Sad-song-singer.

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Track Name: Gotta Keep Trying
Now that we got where we wanted to be
Are you gonna take stock of wants and needs
Sort it all out, sort it all out

You’ve woven stories both false and true
The ones you tell us and the ones just for you
(You’re a) Figure of doubt

We’re in a familiar place
And you’re wearing a look on your face
Though I’m sure you wish it was blank
You got a light in your eyes
That you hoped would hypnotize
But it is only giving you away

You gotta keep trying
Gotta try a little harder
You gotta keep trying
Try a little harder
If this is the name you want to claim
If this is the part you wish to play
Gotta keep trying
Gotta keep trying

Now that we got that fresh first snow
Are you gonna just stay at home alone
Every single day
Every goddamn day

Singing yourself off to sleep
Always humming those inane melodies
They never go away
Always the goddamn same

Lately I find myself being led
To the gnawing thought in my head
We all truly thought you were smarter
You’re not fooling anyone at all
I believe your order’s too tall
And I think that’s something you don’t want to honor

You gotta keep trying
Gotta try a little harder
You gotta keep trying
Try a little harder
If this is the name you want to claim
If this is the part you wish to play
Gotta keep trying
You gotta keep trying

You are a figure of doubt
You are a figure of doubt
We're trying to figure you out
We’re trying to figure you out
Track Name: C'mon
When you wake up
Looking all around
For what now seems to be lost
Eyes are rolling
Back into a slumber
Body being turned and tossed

The hound is calling
The sun is coming in
Trying its best to pry and pry
Inside your diving bell
You are submerged and
Unwilling to face the light

But c’mon, dear
C’mon, c’mon dear
My dear, my dear, my dear
C’mon, c'mon, c'mon

Each day is harder
Somehow heavier
Than the one that came before
You wear a robe of
Sorrow around your house
Not caring that it’s so last year

But c’mon, dear
C’mon, c’mon dear
My dear, my dear, my dear
C’mon, c'mon, c'mon

It doesn’t have to be a marathon
It can be a sprint here and there
It doesn’t have to be a juggernaut
It can be a whisper in the air
So c’mon, so c’mon c’mon dear

Some things are older
Older than you know
Older than the sun is warm
Pain is ancient
Inherited from others
We just get to bear the sword

But c’mon, dear
C’mon, c’mon dear
My dear, my dear, my dear
C’mon, c'mon, c'mon
C'mon, c'mon, c'mon

It doesn’t have to be a marathon
It can be a sprint here and there
It doesn’t have to be a juggernaut
It can be a whisper in the air
So c’mon, so c’mon c’mon dear
Track Name: Hallways
Waltzing, waiting
The tides are changing
Inscrutable thoughts becoming pure
Adjusting, addressing
The light is undressing
Peeling away what I tried to obscure

I’ve spent so long walking
Walking up and down hallways
And I have nothing to show for it
I should have known
I should have known

Inspecting, ingesting
The words with which you’re wresting
Trying to pull some blood from a stone
Knowing, untrusting
Coming so close to busting
A shadowed hand covers what’s to be shown

You’ve spent so long tracing
Every last step you took
And you’ve got nothing to show for it
You should have known
You should have known

Is everything only a test?
This coming from the ones who know you best
I’m no longer in the game
I never wanted to shoulder all the blame
But who’s to say...

We should have known
We should have known
Track Name: Just As Well
Something needs to happen
Something needs to change
The alchemy is broken
The chemicals rearranged

It’s just as well
That we leave it here
The battle is felt
The end is near
Let's call a spade
A spade and go
It’s just as well
That we stop this show

Do we need to keep working
Or have we done enough?
The shadow was always lurking
If you only looked close enough

It’s just as well
That this night ends short
The cold does tell
Of a swift retort
No midnight song
No hour’s bells
It’s just as well
I drive home by myself

When the place you’ve wandered in
Becomes the place where you squandered it
It quickly transforms into a shambling ruin
The ghostly sighs upon the air
And nothing but the imprints of what was once there
Are filling the eye with the signs of what did you in

It’s just as well
That this night ends short
The cold does tell
Of a swift retort
No midnight song
No hour’s bells
It’s just as well
I drive home by myself
It’s just as well
I drive home by myself

Do we need to keep working
Or have we done enough?
Track Name: Very Little
I do wish I had time
To exist only inside
A still moment
A still of life

Escape to some hill
Splay my body on the grass
A simple moment
That does not pass

I have sights and I have desires
I have too many irons in the fire
How can I reconcile?
How can I settle?
How can I move from very much
To very little?

Clouds move by
Palatial in their scope
An impressionist piece
A map of hope

Watching the birds till
They become less than a line
Invisible ink
Written on the sky

I have troubles and I have fears
I have memories I would like to clear
How can I reconcile?
How can I settle?
How can I move from very much
To very little?

What does it take
To dissolve into the wave?
Break it all down
Completely disengage

I have nightmares and I have dreams
I have people on my team
But how can I reconcile?
How can I settle?
How can I move from very much
How can I move from too much
To very little?
Track Name: Symbiosis
I think, maybe, we don’t have a clue
Sometimes things just happen as they’re meant to
We’ve lived together for so many years
Side by side, alongside love and fear

Always trying, trying, trying...

Underneath the thumb of all we’ve done
To the dust of years will we succumb?

We’ve had so much time
To figure out how we’re supposed to be
If I’ve fooled you even once
Then–- shame
Shame on me

Always trying, trying, trying...
Track Name: Impostor
I am an impostor, here
I don the clothes of an actor
Been here for over a year
Adorned by target and marker

My position is quite clear
Cannot be convinced otherwise
I am an impostor here
Can’t you see in in my eyes?

The newly minted history
Is not enough for you
I’ll never have enough
To do what you want me to do

Experience is cursory
Or so it seems
I’ll never have enough
To show up and be believed

I wear the neon sign
I might as well take my leave
It’s all an arbitrary game
Designed to deceive
Designed to deceive

I am an impostor, here
I don the clothes of an actor
Been here for over a year
Adorned by target and marker

My position is quite clear
Cannot be convinced otherwise
I am an impostor here
Can’t you see in in my eyes?
Track Name: Holy Spirit
Where is this
Holy spirit?
Is it in the wind or the sun?

'Cause I could use it now
Down and out
There are things that I just can’t outrun

Why is it so hard to find
The necessary tools
To break the spell
It worked so well
We’ve all turned into fools
We’ve all turned into fools

Where is this
Holy spirit?
The thing of rumors and myth

'Cause I could use it now
Forced to take my bow
Nothing left to contend with

Why is it so hard to find
The necessary tools
To break the spell
It worked so well
We’ve all turned into fools
We have all turned into fools
We have all turned into fools

So where is this holy spirit?
Does it exist? Does it exist?
Does it exist? Does it exist?

I could really use it now
There are things I can’t outrun
Like the fear that my run is done
My run is done
My run is done
Track Name: One-Way
I see your face in its upturned shape
Torched and brandished on a spotlit stage
An alarming realization makes you come to

With that burden on your back
You really find out what it is you lack
If you have the mettle to carry it through

An ugly display of what it means
To be picked up tossed around and unseen
The full release of their missiles right on cue

Sometimes, sometimes
It really seems there is no reason or rhyme
For the ceaseless trouble it puts you through

It all amounts to a headache
Dragging you down
Dragging you back into bed
There’s nothing left for you to take
You can’t turn around
Can’t turn away from the mess you left

This is a one-way
This is a one-way

I have sympathy, I truly do
I know what it’s like to be run through
To be running on empty with miles to go

But all the choices you made before
Contributed to this closing of the doors
You’re out of routes to take except for one, it’s true

It all amounts to a headache
Dragging you down
Dragging you back into bed
There’s nothing left for you to take
You can’t turn around
Can’t turn away from the mess you left

This is a one-way
This is a one-way

It all amounts to an outtake
A sliver of time
In which you get to stay
There is no other possible way
It’s isn’t a line
It is a light-borne ray

This is a one-way
This is a one-way
This is a one-way

And that is ok
This is a one-way
And that has to be okay

This is a one-way

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