Fear of Life

by Atheists

/
1.
Life 03:00
I don’t know much at this tender age So many things I haven’t figured out But I’ve all the essentials right here on the page I don’t need to know the when or how But that doesn’t keep me From being kept up at night Any dream is a nightmare If you only hold it right I know I haven’t lived a lot of life yet Is there a quota of moments to pass through? Before you receive that final gem: “It’s ok to let go, you’ve done all you can do...” Nobody seems to Understand why this is here (This lead balloon That is tied to each of my ears) “Just keep your head up You’ve got so many years” How’s that to cheer me up When the end is always near? I know I haven’t lived a lot of life yet But what if it's enough?
2.
Break the spell I want this shit out I requested it But that was then and this is now These glasses are poison They're not even colored like rose I'd say they were more of a gray Or an ash I suppose Every time I Think it's all passing by me It takes every Damn fiber of my being To not go after it With the very same gusto That got me in this mess to begin with You know how I do with bravado Break the spell that I put on myself Break the spell that I put on myself Break the spell that I put on myself If you can't help me do it, then well-- That's it, I'm taking these glasses off I think they're making me go soft I can't see anything for what it really is And that was never my intention We have come Through all the light years Through the fog and mire Of history's grinding gears And somehow we have all Basically remained the same And somehow we are all right now Basically the same It's completely random Which things we surround ourselves with We do not pick a path We just end up with one, and the one size fits But I have been under A spell for so long I'm starting to think that everyone was right And that I have been wrong Now I see I've been wrong all along Now I see I've been wrong all along Oh break this spell that I've been carrying around for so long What the hell, where did this goddamn thing even come from? Oh, that's it, I'm taking these glasses off I think they're making me go soft I can't see anything for what it really is And that was never my intention
3.
We all come into this life And we all leave The only two sure things in this life Are we all come, and we all leave What's the point of any of it? If it's all just a temporary visit People tell me not to be so sad -- It isn't so bad -- But they don't see it The way I see it I don't want to die In fact I want to live A long life And that is exactly why I'm having such a hard time
4.
I can hear the train roar I hear it from behind my closed bedroom door I hear it every day The trees are singing his song Acorns played like a xylophone I hear 'em every day It shouldn't have to be this way It shouldn't have to be this way My hands lay bare before me I recognize them, barely What do I have to pay? It shouldn't have to be this way It shouldn't have to be this way When did everything go wrong? The lines once there are dead and gone My hands are grasping at open air They've long forgotten What was once there It shouldn't have to be this way Why does it have to be this way? I can hear the train roar I hear it from behind my closed bedroom door I hear it every day Spend every moment in this place Why hasn't the train taken me away? He hears me every day
5.
Relics 03:35
I have a question: How is it for you? Did you do everything You ever wanted to? Did you come up With a way to make it count? Is there anything at all You've gone without? Have you thought at all About the relics you'll leave behind For the searchers and surveyors Of the future to find And remark, with a grin, "Oh, this is our kind of man The kind who marches through life With a clear-cut plan The kind of man who knows Exactly what it means to live on Earth Who knew his way around Who knew well enough to give and earn" I haven't pondered much just what I'll be leaving behind When I ruminate upon it I come up with a waste of time Just wish I could be something And no I'm not saying you are I'm only wondering if those around me Think their imprints will go far I've been pinned with my nose In my head for a matter of years It's like there's a book I cannot see But it holds recipes to remedy my fears Been in an endless curlicue Round and round I go But after all of that, where are my answers? I surely don't know If my voice becomes as big As it is in my head Maybe I'll be more than just dead When I'm dead
6.
Friend 05:10
Friend, How did you fall so very from me? I've tried to find answers But I just come up empty Sitting here in my room With a draft by the window Writing all about all the ways I might've let you go But if I ever told you That I felt at fault You'd extend your arms And relieve me of that tumult But I can't let you do that, no I won't let you take it all Let's just admit That we both had a hand in the fall Now that the light's dying out at the edge of the horizon I suppose it's time for me to start arising Out of the waves of debris that I have been writhing in Friend, ok, friend Friend, When did we fall so very far behind? it was such a slow process Protracted over a long length of time These things are hardly noticeable Until they are done Didn't even know I was losing you Until we were gone But in the end, now, looking back Maybe I was just being naive I was always going to leave you And you were always going to leave me I guess I never realized just how tenuous The bond between the two of us always was To try and save it now could be utterly useless Friend, ok, friend I will always think With fondness Of you
7.
London 03:38
I'm sorry that you never got to London The one place you were dreaming to be I swore one day I'd make it happen But it's drifted away from me I ache inside You deserve to dance along those streets The rainy skies With the cobblestone beneath your feet But oh, maybe you could still go If you want to, if you really want to Oh, maybe you could still go if you want to, if you really want to I'm sorry that you never got to London The only place you wanted to see I made a mistake saying I would take you But I'm sure you understand and forgive me I ache inside You deserve to dance along those streets The spinning eye With the cobblestone beneath your feet But oh, maybe you could still go If you want to, if you really want to Oh, maybe you could still go if you want to, if you really want to One day I'll fly across the ocean And stand in the spots you should've stood I'm sorry that you never got to London You know I'd take you there right now if I could
8.
You and me we never had So much in common Part of a name, a hairy chest And perhaps a similar longing Always in quiet crisis You never asked for details Always craving something But never giving us the reveal How do you feel about All the ways we've spoken unheard Having almost entirely gone without Anything approaching real words We never really tried To get into it with each other Every time I reached out Your hand was replaced with another The words percolated inside Slowly rusting in my mouth A bitter grating scraping sound Is all that came out My mouth sealed over As if by some ancient torture device Sewn with rose and clover I wonder what this has cost me in nights We've spoken, encoded For way too long I'm empty, it's silly To carry on Just realize, open your eyes And look upon The core of it, the truth of it And let's just move on There's so much more that I can say But that's all of it for today
9.
Nothing stays the same for long Doesn't matter who you are Nothing stays the same for long Doesn't matter what you do Thought I saw a shadow, or a glimmer of Something much bigger than myself But it was just a mirage Of something I didn't even know I wanted Now I feel like an idiot Running a marathon every day Just trying to keep up with the pace of it When it never mattered anyway It's hard at times to think for myself Easier to let the other decide I know it's crazy to relinquish control But it mostly turns out all right Nothing stays the same for long In this life it just never could Nothing stays the same for long But sometimes I just wish it would
10.
It Ends 06:14
For somebody who truly Doesn't ever want to die I sure spend a hell of a lot of time Thinking about the end of life We know that it ends What a relief to know it ends You'd think it would help But it only makes it worse Sure, most people, most likely Would prefer to stay alive So long as we are healthy It's not like we're itching to say goodbye We know that it ends What a strange thing to know that it ends Makes us take care of ourselves Which only makes it worse I've started to comprehend That this unruly fear of death Is really a fear of life I walk around hypnotized Then suddenly I'm terrified But why can't I just live my life? I can't stand to talk about it So why do I tend to sing about it? I can't tell you the answer Maybe I find some sort of small Comfort in talking to a wall Never thought I'd be the one Who needs to be strung along Who needs to be prodded along Who needs to be coddled as though Nothing is wrong "Nothing is wrong" I don't want to die In fact I want to live a long life And that is exactly why I'm having such a hard time 'Cause I know that it ends And I do not want it to end And I do not want to need To say goodbye to any of my friends Though I suppose Something about it all Gives everything else worth A tricky contraption, I know But it works

about

In many ways, this feels like my first album. My first real album, anyway. I've been recording and releasing music for over five years, but it's all been recorded by myself, in my bedroom, with a crappy computer microphone. This is the first time I have worked with anyone and used actual equipment, so it kind of feels like a debut, for me. Maybe a re-debut? Either way, thanks for listening, and thanks to everyone involved. Would've been impossible with you.

credits

released June 23, 2017

All songs written by Atheists

Vocals, guitar, and mandolin by Atheists
Keyboards arranged and performed by the historic.
Additional vocals by Molly Rabuffo

Produced, mixed, and mastered by Bobbi Giel

Recorded in Spring 2017 in NY and CT

Artwork and layout by Atheists

Thanks to: Bobbi, Kyle, Molly, Nick, Akua, Sofie, Sean, Michael, Keisha, Bridget, Lauren, Brandon, Forest, Ruby, Anthony, friends, family, and you.

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LIT. MAJOR Connecticut

Sad-song-singer.

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