Fear of Life

by Atheists

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1.
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03:53
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9.
03:18
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10.
06:14
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about

In many ways, this feels like my first album. My first real album, anyway. I've been recording and releasing music for over five years, but it's all been recorded by myself, in my bedroom, with a crappy computer microphone. This is the first time I have worked with anyone and used actual equipment, so it kind of feels like a debut, for me. Maybe a re-debut? Either way, thanks for listening, and thanks to everyone involved. Would've been impossible with you.

credits

released June 23, 2017

All songs written by Atheists

Vocals, guitar, and mandolin by Atheists
Keyboards arranged and performed by the historic.
Additional vocals by Molly Rabuffo

Produced, mixed, and mastered by Bobbi Giel

Recorded in Spring 2017 in NY and CT

Artwork and layout by Atheists

Thanks to: Bobbi, Kyle, Molly, Nick, Akua, Sofie, Sean, Michael, Keisha, Bridget, Lauren, Brandon, Forest, Ruby, Anthony, friends, family, and you.

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LIT. MAJOR image

LIT. MAJOR Connecticut

Sad-song-singer.

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Track Name: Life
I don’t know much at this tender age
So many things I haven’t figured out
But I’ve all the essentials right here on the page
I don’t need to know the when or how

But that doesn’t keep me
From being kept up at night
Any dream is a nightmare
If you only hold it right

I know I haven’t lived a lot of life yet
Is there a quota of moments to pass through?
Before you receive that final gem:
“It’s ok to let go, you’ve done all you can do...”

Nobody seems to
Understand why this is here
(This lead balloon
That is tied to each of my ears)

“Just keep your head up
You’ve got so many years”
How’s that to cheer me up
When the end is always near?

I know I haven’t lived a lot of life yet
But what if it's enough?
Track Name: Break the Spell
Break the spell
I want this shit out
I requested it
But that was then and this is now
These glasses are poison
They're not even colored like rose
I'd say they were more of a gray
Or an ash I suppose

Every time I
Think it's all passing by me
It takes every
Damn fiber of my being
To not go after it
With the very same gusto
That got me in this mess to begin with
You know how I do with bravado

Break the spell that I put on myself
Break the spell that I put on myself
Break the spell that I put on myself
If you can't help me do it, then well--

That's it, I'm taking these glasses off
I think they're making me go soft
I can't see anything for what it really is
And that was never my intention

We have come
Through all the light years
Through the fog and mire
Of history's grinding gears
And somehow we have all
Basically remained the same
And somehow we are all right now
Basically the same

It's completely random
Which things we surround ourselves with
We do not pick a path
We just end up with one, and the one size fits
But I have been under
A spell for so long
I'm starting to think that everyone was right
And that I have been wrong

Now I see I've been wrong all along
Now I see I've been wrong all along
Oh break this spell that I've been carrying around for so long
What the hell, where did this goddamn thing even come from?

Oh, that's it, I'm taking these glasses off
I think they're making me go soft
I can't see anything for what it really is
And that was never my intention
Track Name: A Temporary Visit
We all come into this life
And we all leave
The only two sure things in this life
Are we all come, and we all leave

What's the point of any of it?
If it's all just a temporary visit
People tell me not to be so sad
-- It isn't so bad --
But they don't see it
The way I see it

I don't want to die
In fact I want to live
A long life

And that is exactly why
I'm having such a hard time
Track Name: Charon's Song
I can hear the train roar
I hear it from behind my closed bedroom door
I hear it every day

The trees are singing his song
Acorns played like a xylophone
I hear 'em every day

It shouldn't have to be this way
It shouldn't have to be this way

My hands lay bare before me
I recognize them, barely
What do I have to pay?

It shouldn't have to be this way
It shouldn't have to be this way

When did everything go wrong?
The lines once there are dead and gone
My hands are grasping at open air
They've long forgotten
What was once there

It shouldn't have to be this way
Why does it have to be this way?

I can hear the train roar
I hear it from behind my closed bedroom door
I hear it every day

Spend every moment in this place
Why hasn't the train taken me away?
He hears me every day
Track Name: Relics
I have a question:
How is it for you?
Did you do everything
You ever wanted to?
Did you come up
With a way to make it count?
Is there anything at all
You've gone without?

Have you thought at all
About the relics you'll leave behind
For the searchers and surveyors
Of the future to find
And remark, with a grin,
"Oh, this is our kind of man
The kind who marches through life
With a clear-cut plan
The kind of man who knows
Exactly what it means to live on Earth
Who knew his way around
Who knew well enough to give and earn"

I haven't pondered much just what
I'll be leaving behind
When I ruminate upon it
I come up with a waste of time
Just wish I could be something
And no I'm not saying you are
I'm only wondering if those around me
Think their imprints will go far

I've been pinned with my nose
In my head for a matter of years
It's like there's a book I cannot see
But it holds recipes to remedy my fears
Been in an endless curlicue
Round and round I go
But after all of that, where are my answers?
I surely don't know
If my voice becomes as big
As it is in my head
Maybe I'll be more than just dead
When I'm dead
Track Name: Friend
Friend,
How did you fall so very from me?
I've tried to find answers
But I just come up empty
Sitting here in my room
With a draft by the window
Writing all about all the ways
I might've let you go

But if I ever told you
That I felt at fault
You'd extend your arms
And relieve me of that tumult
But I can't let you do that, no
I won't let you take it all
Let's just admit
That we both had a hand in the fall

Now that the light's dying out at the edge of the horizon
I suppose it's time for me to start arising
Out of the waves of debris that I have been writhing in
Friend, ok, friend

Friend,
When did we fall so very far behind?
it was such a slow process
Protracted over a long length of time
These things are hardly noticeable
Until they are done
Didn't even know I was losing you
Until we were gone
But in the end, now, looking back
Maybe I was just being naive
I was always going to leave you
And you were always going to leave me

I guess I never realized just how tenuous
The bond between the two of us always was
To try and save it now could be utterly useless
Friend, ok, friend

I will always think
With fondness
Of you
Track Name: London
I'm sorry that you never got to London
The one place you were dreaming to be
I swore one day I'd make it happen
But it's drifted away from me

I ache inside
You deserve to dance along those streets
The rainy skies
With the cobblestone beneath your feet

But oh, maybe you could still go
If you want to, if you really want to
Oh, maybe you could still go
if you want to, if you really want to

I'm sorry that you never got to London
The only place you wanted to see
I made a mistake saying I would take you
But I'm sure you understand and forgive me

I ache inside
You deserve to dance along those streets
The spinning eye
With the cobblestone beneath your feet

But oh, maybe you could still go
If you want to, if you really want to
Oh, maybe you could still go
if you want to, if you really want to

One day I'll fly across the ocean
And stand in the spots you should've stood
I'm sorry that you never got to London
You know I'd take you there right now if I could
Track Name: Speak in Code
You and me we never had
So much in common
Part of a name, a hairy chest
And perhaps a similar longing
Always in quiet crisis
You never asked for details
Always craving something
But never giving us the reveal

How do you feel about
All the ways we've spoken unheard
Having almost entirely gone without
Anything approaching real words

We never really tried
To get into it with each other
Every time I reached out
Your hand was replaced with another
The words percolated inside
Slowly rusting in my mouth
A bitter grating scraping sound
Is all that came out

My mouth sealed over
As if by some ancient torture device
Sewn with rose and clover
I wonder what this has cost me in nights

We've spoken, encoded
For way too long
I'm empty, it's silly
To carry on
Just realize, open your eyes
And look upon
The core of it, the truth of it
And let's just move on

There's so much more that I can say
But that's all of it for today
Track Name: Nothing Stays the Same
Nothing stays the same for long
Doesn't matter who you are
Nothing stays the same for long
Doesn't matter what you do

Thought I saw a shadow, or a glimmer of
Something much bigger than myself
But it was just a mirage
Of something I didn't even know I wanted

Now I feel like an idiot
Running a marathon every day
Just trying to keep up with the pace of it
When it never mattered anyway

It's hard at times to think for myself
Easier to let the other decide
I know it's crazy to relinquish control
But it mostly turns out all right

Nothing stays the same for long
In this life it just never could
Nothing stays the same for long
But sometimes I just wish it would
Track Name: It Ends
For somebody who truly
Doesn't ever want to die
I sure spend a hell of a lot of time
Thinking about the end of life
We know that it ends
What a relief to know it ends
You'd think it would help
But it only makes it worse

Sure, most people, most likely
Would prefer to stay alive
So long as we are healthy
It's not like we're itching to say goodbye
We know that it ends
What a strange thing to know that it ends
Makes us take care of ourselves
Which only makes it worse

I've started to comprehend
That this unruly fear of death
Is really a fear of life
I walk around hypnotized
Then suddenly I'm terrified
But why can't I just live my life?
I can't stand to talk about it
So why do I tend to sing about it?
I can't tell you the answer

Maybe I find some sort of small
Comfort in talking to a wall
Never thought I'd be the one
Who needs to be strung along
Who needs to be prodded along
Who needs to be coddled as though
Nothing is wrong

"Nothing is wrong"

I don't want to die
In fact I want to live a long life
And that is exactly why
I'm having such a hard time
'Cause I know that it ends
And I do not want it to end
And I do not want to need
To say goodbye to any of my friends

Though I suppose
Something about it all
Gives everything else worth
A tricky contraption, I know
But it works

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